I have been stalling writing a personal blog entry for almost 5 months. I have been writing (as my contributions on other sites can attest to); I just haven’t written anything personal for the blog in a long time. Today, I had a mini break down, just with sobs and hiccups, not a my-life-is-over kind of break-down. I was listening to Christmas music and as sometimes music will do, it crept up on me and I found myself sobbing from someplace deep inside. It caught me off-guard and left me feeling totally comatose. Like I had been ambushed.
You are buried here
I can’t stop thinking about that
It’s like you are here
You are all around me
I think I didn’t do/what a proper girlfriend/would have done/I should have held/your body one more time/cradled your head in my lap/like the last night we were together/blissfully chatting
It’s been 5 weeks to the hour Most Mondays I feel Lethargic all day Headaches and body aches I can’t explain I can’t sleep most Mondays Because I don’t want to Wake to that fateful call I don’t want to come collect your Limp body from the third hospital That did not have a bed…
Today, I silently give thanks for having you in my life.
Today, I grieve you and quietly praise Yemaya for you being intimately mine for a time.
Today, I became the invisible widow.