#52essays: The Scabs

My sister got married today. She asked me to pour the ceremonial libation which is an integral part of any auspicious gathering in our culture, at the reception dinner. I positioned myself and steadied the plant that would be the recipient, my voice and hands shook as I juggled the mic and calabash. As I…

#52essays: Peut-être, peut-être, peut-être

A refrain of my own thoughts has been ricocheting around my brain for some time now but I haven’t been able to put words to it until now. I belong to me and for right now, that’s all there is. Me. And I (me) should be worth it to stay alive for. The past 8…

#54essays: Butterscotch

“Even when I’m happy, there is a something between me and whatever good news comes my way. It’s like eating a butterscotch still sealed in the wrapper.”
This one, made me take a pen to write it down. It seemed to describe the ravages of mental illness very well. There is almost always a fear about being and feeling completely at ease in a happy thought or in something pleasant that happens to you. It’s even worse when you are caught in the throes of a particularly bad stroke of luck and life seems to be playing a sick joke on you. You are staring at a bowl of butterscotch candy and when you touch one, you find out they are all just wrappers. At this moment I can’t see the forest for the trees.

#52essays: Sometimes there is only Silence

The depression came late this year. For the last two weeks I’ve been battling to stay alive. There are lots of good things happening all around me but the really shitty thing about the sickness is that it brings with it myopia and the only thing you can see are all the negative things happening…

#52essays: Keep On Keeping On

“Money comes and goes but you live through food.” Fetlework Tefferi says to Carolyn Jung in Spice Genius, an article in Eating Well (jan/feb 2018 edition). I was sitting in my chiropractor’s office waiting to be called when I picked up the magazine.

#52essays:Resurrection Sunday

I went to Passover last night with a chosen family. I’m going to an Easter lunch with my other chosen family. A friend wished me a “happy day of resurrection” and this friend is a practicing Buddhist. What do you say back to that? My biological sister who hasn’t spoken to me in a year…

#52essays: Shame, Guilt, and Expectations

A close friend of mine told me about the impermanence of things and getting attached to things that will pass away inevitably. Like this pain and regret for trusting yet another white person. She explained that if all things will pass away then it makes no sense to let it consume us as much as it usually does. I think as true as this is, it’s still difficult to live by it because we as humans are conditioned a certain way. Will my non-attachment prevent me from this feeling right now?