A Productive COVID or Is It?

Today Bae got fixated on a groundhog who has taken residence under our deck. Although I haven't seen more than one, Bae is convinced that there are more, a whole family. She was so tickled that she took several pictures and posted them on FB. She's also convinced that is is a female and she … Continue reading A Productive COVID or Is It?

Put Money Where Your Mouth Is!

Everyone is releasing a statement. Literally even my accounting firm say they are supporting their “customers” and they won’t stand for it. There are lots of articles just calling bs, mostly because of how late they released these statements and how these places are known for racist practices. The Black struggle is in the news … Continue reading Put Money Where Your Mouth Is!

No One Can Hold All This Darkness

No one can support all the grief I hold. I've known that for a while now. Sometimes it makes me whisper: I can’t do this anymore. The funny thing is that I could have been laughing and chatting up a storm with different people over the course of an evening and then boom I end … Continue reading No One Can Hold All This Darkness

The Bank

And she said, “I just want to write.” And I look at her and smile remembering the belly laugh we just had over dinner. Rubbing our own bellies and comparing and contrasting our body flaws not realizing that the flaws are our interpretation of perfection. Not realizing that the bursts of laughter coming from apartment … Continue reading The Bank

A Mighty Oak Has Fallen

I stare at the plant, the lily, that received the Guinness libations on the night of Grandmother's wake. So much of tradition is lost when the burial of your loved ones are left in the hands of these newfangled funeral homes. My sister and I poured libations ceremoniously via Skype. This newfangled way of doing … Continue reading A Mighty Oak Has Fallen

Beautiful Ebony Queen

Beautiful Ebony Queen, with eyes bright and skin shea-butter soft.What have you done to me?I am taking you in with every breath    and I don’t want to exhale.You take my breath while you give me fresh air.    Breathe for me.I call upon the ancestors,    the Queenly Mothers from a long line of Feminine Royalty.Hear me.Hear us.As we go … Continue reading Beautiful Ebony Queen

Afihyia Pa o! Afihyia Pa!

There is an emoji on my phone that has emoji Kuukua holding her nose from the stench of the thrash that is 2019. I am not quite sure I'd bag the whole 2019 and hold my nose on my way to the dumpster, but it was a rough year for a good chunk of the year. The year did have its moments of reprieve when something wonderful happened and I was just so thankful to have been witness to it, recipient of it, or the benefactor. Those are the moments I wish to focus on and give thanks for.

#52essays: Woman Thou Art Loosed!

I don’t want to apologize for existing or interrupting your existence. My Beloved said something to this effect a few days ago. I was telling her how that afternoon a student in my Wellness class had sat folded in on herself the entire length of the class, her long weave shading her slouched body and … Continue reading #52essays: Woman Thou Art Loosed!

#52essays: Look What the Aging Challenge Dredged Up!

I wanted to participate in the 10 year Aging Challenge that is making its rounds on SM. I recalled that I came to FB in 2007, so I went searching for the first photos I posted. I found some but every single one of them was with others. I'm sure I opened the account with … Continue reading #52essays: Look What the Aging Challenge Dredged Up!

#52essays: Eternal Nomad Resolution

My North Wind came calling a few days before the New Year, and it's been blowing wildly about, clouding my vision. I think I am a perpetual nomad at heart, a restless spirit, and any attempts to lay down roots are going against my grain. The price of belonging is high to us nomads. It … Continue reading #52essays: Eternal Nomad Resolution

#52essays: Mi Ma Mo Afihyia Pa O!

The song, "So this is Christmas" keeps making its rounds on my playlist and every time it comes on, I really pause and think: "what have [I ] done? Another year over, a new one just begun." I begun this year joining the #52essays challenge and even though I didn't do it justice, it gave me something to strive for. I begun this year with a lot of disappointment and upset over the business struggles and I end with a new clientele that has welcomed me. I am nowhere near where I started out this year and for the most part it's been needed and welcomed changes.

#52essays: Demons

For as long as she could remember she had been dancing to the rhythm of her demons. Sometimes they'd grant her respite and she would feel the illusion of control so much so that she could almost taste normality. Sometimes she would forcibly take her own respite and with wanton abandon refuse to follow her … Continue reading #52essays: Demons

#52essays: A Life of the Mind

I hosted one of my former students this past weekend and while she was here I realized how much I miss intellectual banter. That first evening, I struggled to respond to her probing and her agitating. Not in a bad way, but she was pushing me to be my old self which I'd hung up … Continue reading #52essays: A Life of the Mind

Bring on the Juju!

I was my parents’ little girl for about 3 years and 8 months. After my sister was born I was nobody's little girl. There is more to this story but suffice it to say for all intents and purposes I didn’t belong to anyone. My parents both left the country to go and work overseas … Continue reading Bring on the Juju!

#52essays: You Are Not Mine to Keep

I ready myself because I know you will leave eventually. I don't usually sit still and do nothing because the demons, they haunt me then. So a couple times, I jump up and suggest we do an activity, but you are content with talking, being with me, just taking it all in. You tell me … Continue reading #52essays: You Are Not Mine to Keep

I DON’T GOT THIS!

I've been diagnosed with a debilitating disease that is progressive and chronic and has no cure as of yet. I am in Week 2 of when the symptoms first appeared although at this point after going through my medical history, other symptoms have been manifesting all along; this was just a defining one. I posted … Continue reading I DON’T GOT THIS!

#52essays: The Scabs

My sister got married today. She asked me to pour the ceremonial libation which is an integral part of any auspicious gathering in our culture, at the reception dinner. I positioned myself and steadied the plant that would be the recipient, my voice and hands shook as I juggled the mic and calabash. As I … Continue reading #52essays: The Scabs

#52essays: Peut-être, peut-être, peut-être

A refrain of my own thoughts has been ricocheting around my brain for some time now but I haven't been able to put words to it until now. I belong to me and for right now, that's all there is. Me. And I (me) should be worth it to stay alive for. The past 8 … Continue reading #52essays: Peut-être, peut-être, peut-être

#54essays: Butterscotch

"Even when I'm happy, there is a something between me and whatever good news comes my way. It's like eating a butterscotch still sealed in the wrapper."
This one, made me take a pen to write it down. It seemed to describe the ravages of mental illness very well. There is almost always a fear about being and feeling completely at ease in a happy thought or in something pleasant that happens to you. It's even worse when you are caught in the throes of a particularly bad stroke of luck and life seems to be playing a sick joke on you. You are staring at a bowl of butterscotch candy and when you touch one, you find out they are all just wrappers. At this moment I can't see the forest for the trees.

#52essays: Sometimes there is only Silence

The depression came late this year. For the last two weeks I've been battling to stay alive. There are lots of good things happening all around me but the really shitty thing about the sickness is that it brings with it myopia and the only thing you can see are all the negative things happening … Continue reading #52essays: Sometimes there is only Silence

#52essays:Resurrection Sunday

I went to Passover last night with a chosen family. I'm going to an Easter lunch with my other chosen family. A friend wished me a "happy day of resurrection" and this friend is a practicing Buddhist. What do you say back to that? My biological sister who hasn't spoken to me in a year … Continue reading #52essays:Resurrection Sunday

#52essays: 41

Maybe these are thoughts that happen as one gets older and starts to take stock of what’s important. Or maybe these are just thoughts of someone who has been challenged by reflecting because of the absence of my native language in my life this week. Whatever it is, I am here at the paper, writing and that’s a feat accomplished not for any colonizer, despite the fact that I have written all this in English.

#52essays: Scattered Thoughts Determined to Breathe

I've been dragging my feet about the essay for this week. I haven't particularly written anything this week. Usually, I write here and there during the week. There have been moments of brilliant recognition of a great line to start with but I have been either too sleepy or tired or take the pen and … Continue reading #52essays: Scattered Thoughts Determined to Breathe

#52essays: Another One Bites the Dust!

I've been around the block a few times in my 25 years of dating that I know to leave well enough alone based on a few quick evaluations. So remember the story the other day: the man who is making mad money, drives gas for a living, and has only read one book? Well, there … Continue reading #52essays: Another One Bites the Dust!

#52 Essays: What Are The Odds?

To the other Black woman in the room with my diagnosis. To shedding the "strong Black woman" image for 20 minutes to be real with each other. To everyone in the daily fight to live or (if desired) die with dignity. To surviving. To dying. To us who walk that fine line everyday. To those who truly get it and support us. #mentalhealth #invisibledisabilities

#52essays: 700,800 minutes

That was about 700,800 minutes ago. Rent is my favorite musical of all time and this particular song: "525600 minutes...how do you measure a year?" rings true for me tonight more than ever as I write my fourth essay of the year. I've written several variations of #4thessay but somehow this one feels right to outdoor.

How do I measure 700, 800 minutes?

#52essays lit a fire under my proverbial B

2017 ended a week ago. We are a week into 2018. I have been avoiding writing like the plague. I have not blogged in months, and every time I contemplated it or even showed up to the page, I found lots of excuses and reasons why I shouldn't, needn't, couldn't write, but tonight something shifted. … Continue reading #52essays lit a fire under my proverbial B

Clearing the Cobwebs of 10 Years

Sometimes when there's a break in my disposition and I turn from crying a few times every hour to have supreme bursts of energy, I worry. You see with Bipolar Disorder, being too happy is often a sign of hypomania which could turn into full blown mania. The tricky thing is that there is such … Continue reading Clearing the Cobwebs of 10 Years

Thoughts Collecting Dust

I've beaten myself up for not writing. I've thought about writing...a lot! I've told others I quit writing. That there's not enough time in the world these days. The reality is, I was so scared of everything that was going on inside, I didn't dare write. Most of you who know me in person and … Continue reading Thoughts Collecting Dust

At The Crossroads of Life in North Country

I've been gone from the blogosphere for exactly 6 months and 6 days. I've done little writing in the time since I wrote A Pronouncement. It's not that I haven't thought of writing; I have. When my writer friends were making NY resolutions about writing more, I was praying the winter wouldn't be so bad … Continue reading At The Crossroads of Life in North Country

A Pronouncement

"So what would you like to do ultimately?" I was asked this question a few weeks ago by a colleague and without thinking too hard, I said: "Get married!" And then I said: "But don't tell my Beloved." "Then, finally be a Campus Minister and use my degree." And then doubt possessed me and I … Continue reading A Pronouncement